To make sure you stop having the same recurring argument, both of you need to know what you expect from the other. “Most problems come from one thing: Our expectations of others to meet one of our ‘needs’ which are actually ‘wants,'” Thomas says. Wifing up can do wonders for your mental and physical health.
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(Oh, and here’s a hard-won pro tip: Don’t-we repeat, do not-tell her to “calm down.”)ĭating Married people are far more chill, way less stress. And if she’s the one yelling, ask her to speak softly so you can both stay calm. No one responds well to being yelled at or a snide attitude. “‘Always,’ ‘never,’ and absolutes like that are not only an exaggeration of the truth, but also remove focus from the actual thing you’re discussing and frame it as something your partner is doing wrong,” Thomas says.įurthermore, watch your tone and volume. Stick to the facts and use accurate languageīe specific about what’s bothering you. Phrases like “Help me understand why this upsets you” are a good way to start a conversation, even if she’s upset. Hear her out and ask her to explain why things are important. “Saying things like ‘I don’t understand what the big deal is’ or ‘You’re overreacting’ will make her feel isolated.” “If she brings up something she’s unhappy with, seek to understand and respond with empathy even if you don’t get it,” Thomas says. (She refuses to drive on highways alone, say, or needs you to talk on the phone with her at least twice a day.) News flash, champ: Everyone’s got quirks. She’s going to have issues, upsets, and priorities that seem monumental to her, but ludicrous to you. Try to understand where she’s coming from
“Often, people make accusations to throw negative feelings on someone else when it’s much better to explain how you feel and why,” Thomas explains. All this does is drive a wedge between you two. “Phrases that trigger defensiveness-like ‘What’s wrong with you?’ or ‘Why would you do that?’ or ‘How did you think that would be a good idea?’-set your partner up to defend him- or herself, and create a battle of you vs. We’re all guilty of the blame game, but holster your accusatory finger and reel in the charges. You might not want to wait to hash things out, but both your actions, responses, and reactions are going to be different when you’ve got a dozen pairs of eyeballs staring at your every move and word.ĭating 7 ways to pave the way for sizzling make-up sexħ ways to entice her into bed by fighting fair.
Use common sense and try to get a hold of your emotions so the tension, disappointment, and upset stays locked down.īottom line: An argument should happen in private. An adult will wait until the time and place is right for conversation.” So, no, you shouldn’t have a volcanic meltdown in the middle of a restaurant, in your friend’s tiny apartment, and/or at any work function. “A child throws a tantrum as soon as they’re angry. “I always encourage people to lead with their adult selves,” Thomas says. Acknowledge there’s a right and a wrong time to argue Employ these and you’ll have more rational, helpful resolutions, and (hopefully) fewer disputes. In the meantime, while you’re working on you, here are some tips for navigating hot waters with your girlfriend. The healthier and happier you are alone, without the validation of a relationship, the stronger that’ll make your relationship. “Constant arguments tend to happen when we’re looking for our partners to meet unmet needs within ourselves,” Thomas says. Then again, if you’re fueding all the time, you both probably need to do some individual work to see what’s causing those disagreements-particularly if it’s your (or her) insecurities. “Healthy couples tend to discuss problems or disagreements head-on from a logical place and don’t ‘argue’ often,” says relationship expert Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. If you feel like you’re trapped in a sitcom where you and your girlfriend perpetually play the nagging couple, be it small squabbles or histrionic blowups, don’t worry: It happens to everyone.
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